"You can say what you like about Beckham" England V Croatia Euro 2008 Qualifier 21.11.2007

Tom Cruise had just finished sending a flirty text message to Will Smith when his phone started ringing. It was an assistant for Larry King who was looking for background information on David Beckham. They were hoping to land him as a guest on their CNN show and not being big fans of the round ball game they wanted to do their research.

They went through all the formalities first of 'when did you first meet him?' 'What's he like in person?' before getting onto the juicy questions.

"Tom, how would you describe Mr.Beckham?" asked the assistant.

"A great athlete, family man, considerate, muscular, dashing, handsome, soft in the right spots, hard in the better ones, hot, dreamboat" said Tom as his voice started to drop in level until it was almost a whisper.
"He's the one, he's gorgeous, his beauty would make a hardened criminal cry, he arms are something to behold, smooth like chocolate and just as tasty, he is glory in it's purest form".

Just then his wife Katie Holmes made her presence felt. She had been standing there for a minute and heard everything Tom had said. He quickly hung up the phone and gave her that look she had seen many times before.

"You can say what you like about Beckham" she yelled as she run out the door.

"Viduka and Owen taking time to Gel" Newcastle V West Ham EPL 23.10.07

Mark Viduka looked at himself long and hard in the mirror. He had noticed a few extra pounds of late. He was meant to be away with the Australian team on international duty and going out in Newcastle for a curry and a couple of pints with his team-mates wasn't going to help his expanding girth. The Newcastle football team where to meet at Rupali's Curry House then head off to one of Newcastle dazzling nightspots. Thankfully for the local constabulary Joey Barton was ordered to stay at home.

After arranging to meet at 6.00pm all the team was there except Mark Viduka and Michael Owen. It wasn't the first time Viduka had gone missing for long periods so the team waited until 7.00pm. After still not seeing any sign Obafemi Martins decided to call Viduka's mobile. "Hello Mark, it's your potential strike partner Obafemi Martins" "G'day Obafemi. I'm here with Michael Owen. I know we are late. We are about to leave my house. We're just putting some product in our hair now. See you soon" The line then went silent. Martins knew what this meant. They were geling.

"Shevchenko's got it all to do" Chelsea V Liverpool Community Shield 13.08.06

It had taken Andriy Shevchenko a week to come around to the idea of being a 'Phone a friend' on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire?'. His next-door neighbour Phillip had suggested it while popping around to borrow some flour. The torrid time Shevchenko had been getting in the press had Phillip thinking it could be an interesting way to endear his neighbour to the British public.

Andriy sipped cups of herbal tea as he nervously waited by the phone. "Andriy, it's Chris Tarrant from 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire' . How are you?"

There was silence before a jittery Andriy responded to the host's question.
"Hello, good"
"And what do you do Andriy?" Tarrant replied.
"I'm striker for Chelsea football club."
"Well isn't that great? Anyway, Andriy your friend Phillip is stumped on a question and he needs your help, I don't want to put you under pressure but this is basically his last lifeline and it's for £500,00. You have it all to do. The clock starts now.

Phillip spat out the question "Hi Andriy, why do males have nipples?"

"Crespo, the 'in the box' specialist" Argentina V Serbia World Cup 16.06.06

As soon as Hernan Crespo's curriculum vitae landed on the manager's desk at Phil's Lighting in Hull he knew he’d found his man.

Phil's Lighting had been experiencing rising costs in packaging. The manager had decided the current head packer Jones hadn't been making the most of the space available in the shipped deliveries. Too little stock packed in the boxes meant for extra shipping costs, severely denting profits.

Crespo had seen the position of a 'In-the box specialist' advertised in a regional newspaper. Within a matter of days he left Milan and headed for Hull.
At first his workmates were a little bit put off by his personal attributes that were at odds with the British working class. While his workmates were eating chips for lunch Crespo was bringing in a personal chef. He also tended to have quite a flamboyant sense of dress for a man who worked in a warehouse.

They overlooked this as he was head packer and although communication was difficult he seemed to know what he was doing. Sometimes he'd disappear for up to 70 minutes and suddenly re-appear at the box and get the most out of the space before sending the package to its required destination. He did all this in a manner his predecessor Jones could’ve only dreamt.

None of Crespo's co-workers were prepared however for payday. They were on £7.80 an hour and Jones had received a premium £8.90 per hour. Crespo was careless and left his pay slip on one of the benches.

His monthly wage was £237,456.

"Alonso holds up Rooney" Liverpool V Manchester United EPL 03.03.07

Having Xabi Alonso stick a pistol into his ribs was the last thing that Wayne Rooney expected on his holiday to Spain.

Wayne had landed on the Spanish coast with his girlfriend Colleen. Lately she'd been having difficulty getting into Woman's magazines due to Amy Winehouse hogging the headlines. Colleen booked the holiday and arranged for some photographers to meet them on the beach where she was to bend over while wearing a new yellow bikini.

Wayne had been at his mate's Grannies birthday the night before and was feeling a little worse for wear after a few too many cidars. After getting in a taxi to go to their resort Wayne noticed a greasy looking Paella stand.

"Excusio Taxos Drivos, grazie pullus overos. Me very Hungros" he asked the cab driver.

Wayne bought the Paella and instantly knew something was wrong. Without hesitating he ran down an alley way to relive himself of last night’s drinks and his recently acquired lunch.

Out of nowhere came Xabi Alonso who had spotted his run down the alley. Without any consideration Alonso stopped him in his tracks with the cold hard steel of a gun barrel in his ribs.

Alonso barked his order “Givos me your watchos, and your cameros. Nowos!”